1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,005
Alan.

2
00:00:05,092 --> 00:00:06,484
Hurry up.

3
00:00:06,571 --> 00:00:08,008
The girls are almost here,
and I'’m a...

4
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:11,228
♪ Hunka hunka rotting love.

5
00:00:11,315 --> 00:00:13,187
ALAN: Sorry, just
finishing up my costume.

6
00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:21,630
Who the hell are
you supposed to be?

7
00:00:21,717 --> 00:00:23,632
You never saw Pretty in Pink?

8
00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:26,417
Oh, right!
You'’re Molly Ringwald.

9
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:28,158
Ha-ha. I-I'’m Duckie.

10
00:00:28,245 --> 00:00:30,813
You know, the-the best friend,
the-the scene stealer?

11
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:34,208
Some would say
the true star of the film.

12
00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:35,687
Who played him, Boy George?
[chuckles]

13
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:40,475
Hey, what do you think
about zombie Elvis, baby?

14
00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:42,520
And don'’t be cruel.

15
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,131
It'’s great.

16
00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:46,002
You look like both
the impersonator at my wedding

17
00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,438
and my ex-wife.

18
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:50,354
Thank you.
Thank you very much.

19
00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:54,141
What decays in Vegas
stays in Vegas.

20
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:55,925
Oh, hey, uh, did your
friend Stacy say anything

21
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:57,448
about the girl she'’s
bringing for me?

22
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:59,189
Uh, just that she'’s supposed
to be really cute,

23
00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:00,930
and she just moved out here
after a tough breakup.

24
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,932
Ooh, hot, lonely
and damaged.

25
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:04,151
Duckie'’s getting lucky.

26
00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:08,024
You know, if Duckie
really wants to get lucky,

27
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,418
he'’ll tell the girls that he'’s
someone that people remember.

28
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:11,854
Like Ferris Bueller.

29
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:16,554
Fine, you win again, Broderick.

30
00:01:16,641 --> 00:01:18,687
God, you know what
I love about Halloween?

31
00:01:18,774 --> 00:01:20,819
You can put "slutty"
in front of any job position,

32
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:22,821
and it becomes a costume.

33
00:01:22,908 --> 00:01:25,650
Slutty nurse, slutty librarian,
slutty lunch lady.

34
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,391
[groans]

35
00:01:27,478 --> 00:01:29,306
Hey, you didn'’t know
Mrs. Goobadeck

36
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:32,004
from Mark Twain Elementary.

37
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,268
She rocked that hairnet.

38
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:35,660
[groaning]:
My chest.

39
00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:37,532
Seriously?
W-What'’s going on?

40
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:39,360
I don'’t know, I can'’t breathe,
my chest is tight.

41
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,361
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

42
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:41,840
Here, here. Sit down.

43
00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:44,060
Um... Oh. Uh, well,
uh, don'’t worry.

44
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:46,236
I-I'’m sure this is
nothing, but, uh...

45
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:49,935
I'’m going to call an ambulance,
just in case.

46
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:51,111
Just, uh, just stay calm.

47
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:52,677
You'’re gonna be fine.

48
00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:55,332
[whispering]:
Help! My friend is dying!

49
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,595
I can'’t settle down, I think
he'’s having a heart attack.

50
00:01:57,682 --> 00:01:59,075
Oh, my God, I'’m having
a heart attack.

51
00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:00,772
Oh. No, no.

52
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,209
I-I'’m just saying that
to get them to hurry.

53
00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:03,775
I'’m not just saying that.

54
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:04,863
I think he'’s headed
toward the light.

55
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:06,038
[door bell rings]

56
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,257
I can'’t feel my left arm.

57
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:08,780
Um, uh, you'’re gonna be okay.

58
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,739
It'’s probably just gas.
Try to fart!

59
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:13,307
Trick...

60
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,396
Or treat.

61
00:02:15,483 --> 00:02:17,485
Oh, ladies. I'’m sorry, you just
got here during a bit of a...

62
00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:19,051
Ooh, I can see
your nipples, officer.

63
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,794
Anything you see will
be held against you.

64
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,623
And I'’m Harry Potter.

65
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,625
But I'’m not so hairy.

66
00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:28,670
She'’s mine.

67
00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:31,107
[groans]

68
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:32,282
[farts]

69
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,460
Didn'’t work!

70
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,734
[siren wailing]

71
00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,388
Don'’t worry, we'’re
almost to the hospital.

72
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,390
Sir, are you taking
any medications?

73
00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:55,392
Well, I take a generic Lipitor
and a women'’s multi-vitamin.

74
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:58,743
I mean, just so you know,
I take the women'’s

75
00:02:58,830 --> 00:02:59,788
'’cause it has more iron.

76
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,573
Same price, more iron.

77
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:03,531
Yes, please.

78
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:06,055
Is he gonna be okay?

79
00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:07,622
We'’re doing
all we can, sir.

80
00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:09,145
I can'’t believe this is
happening, you know?

81
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:10,581
He'’s so young!

82
00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,104
He leads such
a healthy lifestyle...

83
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,280
Well, except for all the pot.

84
00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:16,761
You know, the-the weed.

85
00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:17,893
The... the ganja.

86
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:21,723
The ol'’ Mexican spinach.

87
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:25,553
Alan, if I live,
I'’m going to kill you.

88
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,685
Stop it. You are gonna live.

89
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:28,860
[chuckles]

90
00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:30,427
Is he gonna live?

91
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,473
We'’re en route
with a 35-year-old male.

92
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,432
BP is 160/94, pulse is 108.

93
00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:37,347
And he'’s dressed
as zombie Elvis, over!

94
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:41,221
I-I don'’t know if you guys
need to know that.

95
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,047
They don'’t.

96
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,138
By the way, uh,
I'’m dressed as...

97
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,314
Ferris Bueller?

98
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:49,359
[laughs]

99
00:03:49,446 --> 00:03:52,014
Hey, hey, at least I took
a chance with my costume.

100
00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:53,972
I mean, Elvis and zombies.

101
00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:55,191
It'’s real original.

102
00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:57,193
Next year, it'’s vampire Obama.

103
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,674
[Transylvanian accent]:
"Yes, we can!"

104
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:02,894
Excuse me, do you have
anything for the pain?

105
00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:05,201
In my ass?

106
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:07,159
I know, I know.

107
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,118
I'’m just... I'’m freaking out
because I'’m worried.

108
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:10,728
I mean, you are my best friend.

109
00:04:10,815 --> 00:04:12,382
And if something were
to happen to you,

110
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:13,818
I don'’t know what I would do.

111
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:15,385
I mean, I-I'’ve already
lost a brother.

112
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,692
I can'’t lose
you, too!

113
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:19,476
A-And you'’re more
of a brother than he was.

114
00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:21,261
And now Jake'’s in the Army,
and I'’m all alone.

115
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:22,653
And I don'’t do well
when I'’m alone...

116
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:23,611
Here, breathe.

117
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,180
Thank you.

118
00:04:29,965 --> 00:04:32,924
Am I crazy, or is, uh,
something happening here?

119
00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:38,626
♪ Men.♪

120
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:45,328
Oh, good, uh, you made it.

121
00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,112
Uh... Oh, I-I'’m sorry I pulled
you out of your Halloween party,

122
00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:48,331
I just figured you'’d want to...

123
00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:50,420
I wasn'’t at a Halloween party.

124
00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:53,554
I-I just assumed,
since you'’re dressed...

125
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:54,903
So what happened?

126
00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:56,339
I don'’t know.

127
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:57,906
We were about to go out,

128
00:04:57,993 --> 00:04:59,951
and he got chest pains
and suddenly collapsed.

129
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,823
Oh, wow.

130
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,651
He'’s so young.

131
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:04,956
So fit.

132
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:06,784
So not you.

133
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:11,615
Hope he'’s okay.

134
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:15,358
I never thought I'’d have a boss
better than your brother,

135
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:17,360
but Walden is good people.

136
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,319
He'’s the best.

137
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:22,365
The guy has the biggest heart
of anyone I have ever met.

138
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,324
Yep, a heart of gold.

139
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:27,152
Clogged with arterial plaque.

140
00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:29,067
You'’ve been a good
friend to Walden.

141
00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:30,504
He'’s lucky
to have you.

142
00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:34,334
He'’s lucky to have you,
too, Sister Berta.

143
00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:36,379
And, listen, um...

144
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:39,991
if, God forbid,
the worst happens,

145
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:42,124
I-I just want you
to know that, uh...

146
00:05:42,211 --> 00:05:44,953
you'’ll always have
a job at the house.

147
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,912
I mean, we'’d have to talk
reduced salaries, but, uh...

148
00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:50,219
What makes you think
he'’d leave you the house?

149
00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:51,873
I'’m his best friend.

150
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,483
There'’s nobody closer
to him than me.

151
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,006
I clean his underwear.

152
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,399
I wearhis underwear.

153
00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,009
[laughs]

154
00:05:58,096 --> 00:05:59,707
Alan Harper?

155
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:01,535
Oh, oh, that'’s me.

156
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,275
I'’m Dr. Prajneep.

157
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,103
Your friend had a
mild heart attack.

158
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,931
We put in a stent to
clear the blockage.

159
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:07,802
Is that bad?

160
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:09,194
In general,

161
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:10,761
a heart attack is bad.

162
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,850
But, uh, he should
make a full recovery.

163
00:06:12,937 --> 00:06:14,069
Oh, thank God.

164
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:15,679
Oh, that is
a huge relief.

165
00:06:15,766 --> 00:06:17,464
Um, is there anything
we should do at home?

166
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:20,118
I just want to make sure
he has all the care he needs.

167
00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:21,990
Uh, any special diet,
exercises, medications?

168
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,774
If it'’d help,

169
00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:26,211
I'’d chew up his food and
feed him like a baby bird.

170
00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:29,693
How could that
possibly help?

171
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,869
I'’ll tell you what
doesn'’t help-- that tone.

172
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,697
Can we see him?

173
00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:34,829
Soon as he'’s
in recovery.

174
00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:36,483
Any other questions?

175
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,006
Uh, no, we'’re just happy
that he'’s gonna be okay.

176
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,007
Thank you.

177
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:40,922
My pleasure.

178
00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:42,402
By the way, Ferris Bueller
is my favorite movie.

179
00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:47,232
Wait, B-Berta.
W-Where are you going?

180
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:48,495
We'’re not supposed
to go back there yet.

181
00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:50,192
I'’m a nun at a hospital.

182
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,542
I can do whatever
the hell I want.

183
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:01,333
I'’m dead.

184
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:07,470
And I'’m in hell.

185
00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:10,038
Relax.

186
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,953
You'’re in the hospital.

187
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,042
You had a mild heart attack,
but you'’re gonna be fine.

188
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:15,870
I don'’t feel very good.

189
00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:18,046
That'’s because they put
a stent in your heart.

190
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:20,527
But also I feel really good.

191
00:07:20,614 --> 00:07:24,748
That'’s because they put morphine
in your veins.

192
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:27,447
We should start keeping morphine
in the house.

193
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,145
I know a guy.

194
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:33,714
Berta, you'’re so funny.

195
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:36,891
I would'’ve missed you so much
if I would'’ve died.

196
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,936
Oh, oh, but you don'’t
have to worry about that.

197
00:07:39,023 --> 00:07:39,981
Y-You'’re not going anywhere.

198
00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:41,635
I love you guys.

199
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:42,897
We love you, too.

200
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:45,160
You know, when I think about it,

201
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:47,815
you guys are
my only real family.

202
00:07:47,902 --> 00:07:49,860
Oh, Walden, that'’s so...

203
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:52,341
Horrible.

204
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:53,647
Okay.

205
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:56,084
Saved your life, but whatever.

206
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:58,173
My life is pathetic.

207
00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:01,176
I mean, thank you guys so much
for being here.

208
00:08:01,263 --> 00:08:04,048
But you'’re not good enough!

209
00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,834
Okay, now it sounds
like my family.

210
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:08,444
Um...

211
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:09,750
Maybe you should rest.

212
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,099
You know, just go
to your happy place.

213
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:12,622
I know a shortcut.

214
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:13,623
Say when.

215
00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:14,972
Whe...

216
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:17,540
[squeals]

217
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:20,717
Dressed as a nun,
giving some guy morphine--

218
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:23,328
boy, does this take me
back to high school.

219
00:08:29,726 --> 00:08:31,902
Hey, how you feeling?

220
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:32,990
I'’m all right.

221
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,905
Well, uh, I know

222
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,125
something that'’ll
make you feel better.

223
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:39,170
I made some of my famous
three bean salad.

224
00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:41,825
The secret--

225
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,740
[whispers]:
I use four beans.

226
00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:47,701
Garbanzo.

227
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,224
Shh.

228
00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,792
You ever look out at the ocean

229
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:54,055
and think about how small
and insignificant you are?

230
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:57,275
I don'’t need the ocean;
I can just call my mother.

231
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,886
I almost died, Alan.

232
00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:00,670
But the important thing is
you didn'’t.

233
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,759
So, now you just have
to listen to your doctors,

234
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:04,021
don'’t stress about anything
and relax.

235
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,546
[shrill laughing]
[screams]

236
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,591
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

237
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,291
Sorry.

238
00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:15,250
That was supposed to scare the
life out of trick-or-treaters,

239
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:16,294
not you.

240
00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:17,818
This sucks!

241
00:09:17,905 --> 00:09:19,907
How am I the one
with a stent in my heart?

242
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:21,778
I'’m healthy, I-I'’m fit.

243
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,693
You sit in front
of the TV every night,

244
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,652
shoveling a pint of ice cream
down your throat.

245
00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:27,349
Hey, I eat my feelings,

246
00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:29,525
and you are sending me
right back to the freezer.

247
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:30,961
You know, it just goes to show,

248
00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:32,833
your life can end
in the blink of an eye.

249
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,574
One day you'’re here,
the next day you'’re gone.

250
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:36,445
That'’s why I live
by the philosophy

251
00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,969
"One day I'’m here,
the next day I'’m still here."

252
00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:43,104
You know, if-if I would have
died, who would have missed me?

253
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:45,933
What are you talking about?
I would, Berta would.

254
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,544
A-And you just got an e-mail
from Netflix the other day

255
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,285
that literally said,
"We miss you."

256
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:55,943
You know, other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.

257
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:57,597
At least you got Jake.

258
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,773
Well, that'’s true.

259
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,905
I'’ll always have
my little guy.

260
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,820
Although, in his last e-mail,

261
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:06,867
he, uh, asked me when the
Fourth of July was this year.

262
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:11,959
But, yes, I'’m very lucky.

263
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:15,353
Do you know how much
I would give to have a kid

264
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,921
who didn'’t understand
the concept of a calendar?

265
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,403
All I have is money.

266
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,405
Yeah.

267
00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:25,929
'’Cause I wouldn'’t give up Jake
for a billion dollars.

268
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,586
I got to make some changes.

269
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,153
Changes are good.

270
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,720
Uh, you know,
I remember when I switched

271
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,330
from American Idolto The Voice.

272
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:37,985
My life turned around

273
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:40,335
like Blake Shelton'’s chair.

274
00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:42,119
You know what?

275
00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:44,165
I want to have a kid of my own.

276
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:46,036
What?

277
00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:48,560
Yeah, I want something
to give my life meaning.

278
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,128
I want somebody
I can love unconditionally.

279
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,565
Someone I can teach,
someone I can nurture,

280
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,176
someone I can leave
all this to.

281
00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:56,917
Well...

282
00:10:57,004 --> 00:11:00,137
I mean, I don'’t know
what to say, except...

283
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:02,009
Papa?

284
00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:03,793
♪ Men.♪

285
00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:10,495
Have you thought
this through?

286
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:11,888
Having a kid
is a lot of work.

287
00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:15,152
Having you is
a lot of work.

288
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,372
You know, having a child
would give my life meaning.

289
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:18,982
Otherwise, all this
has been for nothing,

290
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,418
and that'’s difficult
to accept.

291
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:21,811
You know
what'’s difficult?

292
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,379
Removing a marble
your kid shoved up his nose.

293
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,467
I did something like that.

294
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:27,208
I jammed a penny up there.

295
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,776
I was trying to get a gumball
to fall out of my butt.

296
00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:31,560
But a kid
is permanent.

297
00:11:31,647 --> 00:11:33,344
It'’s not like you'’re dating.

298
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:35,346
You can'’t just stop calling
or change your number

299
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,435
or fake your own death
because they annoy you.

300
00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:38,915
You do that to women?

301
00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:40,090
No, they do it to me.

302
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:44,704
Look, I-I'’m sorry if it feels
like I'’m being negative,

303
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:47,054
because the truth is,
you know, kids are amazing.

304
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,317
But you just had
this big health scare,

305
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,232
and you'’re probably not
in the best frame of mind

306
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:52,929
to make life decisions.

307
00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:55,540
I mean, this morning,
you cried at a beer commercial.

308
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:58,979
Yeah, but the horse and
the puppy were best friends!

309
00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:00,720
Look,

310
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,547
having a heart attack
didn'’t make me realize

311
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:05,159
I want to have a kid,
it made me realize

312
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,813
I don'’t want to live
another day without one.

313
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,336
It was like a wake-up call.

314
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:10,338
All right.

315
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:14,081
If you really want to do this,
I will be here to support you.

316
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,822
From my room.

317
00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:18,999
Which, FYI, is way too drafty
to use as a nursery.

318
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:21,175
Don'’t worry.
You'’re not going anywhere.

319
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:22,263
Sweet! Let'’s get that kid!

320
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:24,744
So, uh, who'’s the lucky lady

321
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:26,702
who'’s gonna receive your seed?

322
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,922
See, you just put
your creepy little finger

323
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:30,053
right on the problem.

324
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:34,014
I haven'’t exactly been
successful in love.

325
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:37,887
It'’s like I'’m running JavaScript
and women are running HTML5.

326
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:41,891
Talking like that is part
of the problem, isn'’t it?

327
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:43,501
Yeah.

328
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,242
And it'’s weird, because
your package is perfect.

329
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:50,334
And... and by "package,"
I don'’t mean your package,

330
00:12:50,421 --> 00:12:53,729
I mean your...
package.

331
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:57,864
Although, that is also
a showstopper.

332
00:12:57,951 --> 00:13:00,823
Okay, I can'’t believe that
this is not the first time

333
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:03,434
I'’ve said this, but stop
looking at my penis.

334
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,178
Well, now that
you'’ve mentioned it,

335
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:11,225
I can'’t stop looking.

336
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:13,140
It'’s like the elephant'’s trunk
in the room.

337
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,231
Don'’t worry,
you'’ll-you'’ll find somebody.

338
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,233
And, you know,
it goes without saying

339
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,801
that if I could, I would
happily bear you a child.

340
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:26,327
Okay, I wish all of this
had gone without saying.

341
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,155
You doing okay?

342
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:29,809
Yeah, I'’m good.

343
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:32,637
He wants to have a kid.
Now all he needs is a woman.

344
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,596
Would you consider
a pregnant stripper?

345
00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:37,555
Uh, no.

346
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:40,080
Well, that rules out
both my granddaughters.

347
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:48,436
Morning. Did you
take your pills?

348
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,220
Yep.

349
00:13:50,307 --> 00:13:52,396
Are you lying to me
or are you lying to yourself?

350
00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:53,397
[rattling]

351
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,271
They'’re too big.
It'’s hard to swallow.

352
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,100
If you say
"that'’s what she said,"

353
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:01,666
I will kill you.

354
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,146
You know what she said?

355
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:05,235
"Take your pills.
I care about you."

356
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:06,628
Fine.

357
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,022
Do you know how long
it takes to get a baby?

358
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:12,242
Well, I know it takes, uh,
five months of mood swings

359
00:14:12,329 --> 00:14:15,332
and four months of not
wanting to be touched.

360
00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:17,900
And who knows what my ex-wife
was going through.

361
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,510
I was just
researching surrogacy,

362
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,556
and they say that once
you choose a great candidate,

363
00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:22,992
it can take
up to three years

364
00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:24,559
before you have
a baby in your arm.

365
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:26,561
I can'’t wait that long.

366
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:28,693
I mean, who knows if I'’ll even
still want a kid by then?

367
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:30,695
Tell me about it.

368
00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:33,568
Six months into Jake'’s life,
I was like, "Check, please!"

369
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:35,483
I was kidding.

370
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:37,311
As was I.

371
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,271
Okay.

372
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:43,404
I'’ve narrowed down my options
to either adoption

373
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:44,927
or seeing if
Brad and Angelina

374
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:47,060
have an extra one
they could throw me.

375
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,062
Uh, you know, if you really
want to adopt...

376
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:52,152
For the last time, Alan,
I am not adopting you!

377
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:53,893
But, Papa...

378
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,895
Ah! All right.

379
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,596
I already reached out
to a lawyer

380
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,467
who specializes in adoption.

381
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,730
Well, you'’re a perfect
candidate to adopt.

382
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:08,081
I mean, you'’re highly educated,
you'’re likeable,

383
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:09,909
uh, you have a stable
home environment...

384
00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:14,174
Financially secure,
no criminal record, handsome.

385
00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:17,873
I-I don'’t... I don'’t think
handsome really comes into play.

386
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,397
Doesn'’t it, Alan?

387
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,269
No, I don'’t think so.

388
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,055
Doesn'’t it?

389
00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:27,883
You'’re being ridiculous.

390
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,232
Am I?

391
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,541
I will steal you a baby.

392
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:37,371
♪ Men.♪

393
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,590
So, as you can see,
finances are not an issue.

394
00:15:39,677 --> 00:15:41,288
I have a lot of
extra free time,

395
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:44,291
and I know I can provide
a loving, nurturing home.

396
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,163
You okay?

397
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:50,123
Are you?

398
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:52,038
Seriously, do I need
to call someone?

399
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:54,083
Never mind.

400
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:55,606
What'’s important is that

401
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:56,956
I will coach the hell
out of the Braves.

402
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,783
Excuse me?

403
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:00,524
It'’ll be the name of
my son'’s tee-ball team.

404
00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:02,265
Pretty Pink Ponies,
if it'’s a girl.

405
00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:04,311
You know what,
if my son wants to play

406
00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:06,443
for the Pretty Pink Ponies,
then so be it.

407
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,228
Tolerant.

408
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:10,708
Well, Mr. Schmidt,

409
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,580
you are obviously
more than qualified.

410
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:13,798
Thank you.

411
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:14,843
That said, I'’d start looking

412
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,714
at Golden Retriever puppies,

413
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:17,977
'’cause there'’s no way
you'’re getting a baby.

414
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:19,543
Well, I don'’t understand.

415
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:21,110
You just said that
I'’m more than qualified.

416
00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:22,111
And you are.

417
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:23,808
But you'’re a single guy,

418
00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:25,810
and the system is really geared
towards married couples.

419
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:27,464
That'’s racist.

420
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:30,076
Uh, no, it'’s not.

421
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,425
Then it'’s sexist.

422
00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:33,079
Nope.

423
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:35,603
Well, it'’s some kind of "sist."

424
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,518
Look, I'’m not saying
it'’s impossible, okay?

425
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:39,520
Just that it'’s difficult.

426
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,957
You'’re in line behind families
that already have children,

427
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,567
married couples, single women...

428
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:44,612
Anyone else?

429
00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:46,309
What, sweat shops? Circuses?

430
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:47,832
The Vienna Boys'’ Choir?

431
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,009
Look, I wish
I had better news, okay?

432
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:52,315
If you were married,
this would be a slam dunk.

433
00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:54,100
Okay, you don'’t get it.

434
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:56,493
Marriage is not
an option for me.

435
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,843
Okay, I understand
you'’re frustrated...

436
00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:00,845
No, what'’s frustrating
is that every woman I meet

437
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:02,151
runs screaming from me!

438
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:03,326
I was married before
and she left me

439
00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:04,806
and I tried to commit suicide.

440
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,155
Don'’t write that down.

441
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,461
Why are you
writing that down?!

442
00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:08,853
No, no...

443
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:10,116
Then I proposed
to two other women,

444
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:11,421
and they both shot me down.

445
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:12,944
I am incapable of maintaining

446
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,816
a long-term relationship
with anybody.

447
00:17:14,903 --> 00:17:16,470
Now, give me a frickin'’ baby!

448
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:17,862
Okay.

449
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:18,994
I think we'’re done here.

450
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,691
No, we are
not done here!

451
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,780
I almost died wearing
a bedazzled jumpsuit

452
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,043
and my life
needs meaning.

453
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,740
Stop writing
things down!

454
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,400
Mmm.

455
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,010
Hey, how'’d it go?What kind of world...

456
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:35,837
Uh-oh.

457
00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:37,578
...are we living in

458
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:40,276
where any two high school kids
with a broken condom

459
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,496
can screw behind
an Applebee'’s Dumpster,

460
00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:44,411
have a baby,
give it up for adoption,

461
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:48,328
but not have it go to
an adult who is upstanding,

462
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:51,374
responsible,
and, might I add, handsome...

463
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:54,986
...simply because
every woman I meet

464
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,510
eventually grows to loathe me?

465
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,207
And because of that,
the Pretty Pink Ponies

466
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,557
will not have a tee-ball coach!

467
00:18:00,644 --> 00:18:02,342
So it didn'’t go well?

468
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:03,952
[mocking]:
No, it did not go well.

469
00:18:04,039 --> 00:18:06,998
All right, well, uh,
first things first.

470
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,957
Uh, how about we get
you a little Zin

471
00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:10,350
to calm your nerves?

472
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:11,525
It'’s just not fair.

473
00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:12,613
I know, I know.

474
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,354
Uh, thank you.

475
00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,399
Just because I'’m single,
I'’m not a fit parent?

476
00:18:16,486 --> 00:18:17,748
Did they say that to you?

477
00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:21,535
That'’s how I felt.

478
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:22,797
Apparently, the whole system

479
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,886
is geared towards
married couples.

480
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,322
And-and single guys
are not welcome.

481
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,107
Like a Studio City
swingers party.

482
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,457
Exactly.

483
00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,459
Wait, what?

484
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,809
Nothing. So, uh, did you
tell her everything?

485
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:37,116
I mean, how you'’re successful,
you'’re warm, you'’re caring...

486
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:38,856
I told her everything.Did you give her the smile?

487
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,684
Of course I gave
her the smile.

488
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,208
She thought I was
having a stroke.

489
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,775
So nothing worked?

490
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:46,864
No. Even if I hadn'’t been
escorted out by security,

491
00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:49,128
I still don'’t think
they were giving me a kid.

492
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:51,042
Wow, I'’m, uh...
I'’m really sorry.

493
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,870
You know, it'’s ridiculous.

494
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:55,482
Why-why are married people
automatically better parents?

495
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:57,962
My mom was married six
times; didn'’t help her.

496
00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,530
See, and I would'’ve been
a great dad.

497
00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:01,879
I would'’ve played
catch with him,

498
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,490
I would'’ve read to him,

499
00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:04,969
I would'’ve waited
till he went to sleep

500
00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:07,102
before I smoked pot.

501
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,670
Already got my mom beat.

502
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:11,150
But-but you shouldn'’t give up.

503
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,586
I mean, you might
still find somebody.

504
00:19:12,673 --> 00:19:14,022
No, I don'’t want
to marry somebody

505
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:15,502
just to marry somebody.

506
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:17,112
It'’s got to be the right person.

507
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:18,679
Ooh, or Mila Kunis.

508
00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,072
I get it.

509
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,726
That'’s hard to find.

510
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,250
[timer dings]Oh, that'’s my banana bread.

511
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:25,599
I love your banana bread.

512
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:26,948
I know.

513
00:19:27,035 --> 00:19:28,471
I made it hoping
we could celebrate,

514
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:31,126
but it works on
a sad tummy, too.

515
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:34,260
Oh, what would I do without you?

516
00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:36,610
I hope you never have
to find out. [chuckles]

517
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:40,527
What?

518
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:44,270
You are... always there for me.

519
00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:45,967
Yeah, and-and you'’re always
there for me.

520
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,273
We'’re best friends.

521
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:52,800
What if we were
more than friends?

522
00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:57,239
Like...

523
00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:59,198
super friends?

524
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:05,813
Alan Harper,

525
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,206
will you marry me?

526
00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,386
♪ Men.♪

527
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:21,655
Are you seriously
asking me to marry you?

528
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,834
I can'’t believe
this is happening.

529
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:32,579
And I always thought Alan
would be the one on his knees.

530
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:36,147
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org